And To Think...

As i reread that blog I feel not one ounce better than before. If anything I feel like breaking down because everything is a mess. The only thing keeping me from not breaking down is remembering that its just high school! Its no big deal. I know what I must do. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut and tune out the world until I can come up with the answers i need. BTW totally random but Alice in Wonderland was EPIC. Mind. Blown.

The Kid Was Alright But It Went To His/(Her) Head

It's nice to think that someone might be reading this. Its also nice to think that if they were-- that if you are reading this, you've realized I've been slacking. Well, for those (if there are any) who read my crazy, vague and psychotic blog entries, I am sorry. Which brings me to my point of the week. I have standardized testing this week and that is the very least of my concerns. No, my concern of the week is: trust. I don't quite know how, but I've managed to find someone else to not be able to trust. We'd become really cool friends but now I've concluded that they can't be trusted. This friend was the same one who like the boy I AM NO LONGER IN LIKE WITH...I think.

See, it all started Monday morning of last week. I had just come back to school after having a horrible fever for a week. When I came back to school I noticed that school just wasn't the same. Its like people didn't really notice I was missing, yet i have (well now its HAD) perfect attendance. Anyway , it was uncomfortable because i had missed so much. Well apparently on Tuesday my friend had made a deal with another person I "hang with". The deal was she (the untrustable friend) would take until Thursday to decide whether or not she still liked the boy we just both happened to be...interested in? Well I didn't find out about this deal until Thursday after school, from a totally different friend! Am i blowing this out of proportion? Probably. I was hurt that i was the last one to know when it involved me more than anyone knew.

Let me explain. This boy (if you haven't read the previous post) had stated that i had successfully ruined his life. I did not feel I had accomplished such a thing. I had to make good on his words; I had a reputation to uphold for being the weird, creepy,animal chick who is somewhat bitter and anti-social. I decided to make it my mission for this boy to realize what me ruining his life really meant. Or so I thought. My plan was to hit him where it would hurt the most. I wanted to dig down deep and torture him. It was simple: get him to like me and crush his feelings. Now i know what this feels like (don't ask) so I know how it hurts. Now my predicament is this: the friend is the epitome of innocence and goody-two-shoe-ness. She wouldn't understand what doing this would mean to me. So, because of the lack of communication on both ends, I was "flirting" with him and now she thinks I like him. And if i explain all of this to her she won't understand and she won't believe me. And then I don't know why im REALLY doing all of this. Maybe I still like him? Maybe I want to like him but I know I can't because that's not what friends do. So somehow Ive come to the present with this ridiculous notion that I'm crushing him because I like him but I'm not allowed to and if i tell my friend I'm really giving into some forbidden power i shouldn't possess and I just realized im insane. My head is filled with all of these questions that I dont know how to answer yet im the only one who can answer them. Im so confused as always and I dont know what I want. All I know is its not easy being mean. *EXHALE* Im done... for now haha.