Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

Eeek!! I haven't sat down to do this in forever...Well I guess I'll get straight to the "good stuff"... Today I went to go see an old friend i hadn't seen in about 3 years....It was awkward because we had both changed so much! She was the "popular kid" at her high school, and i was kinda let down by that. I know it may seem strange but I thought that maybe we would still have stuff in common... It did NOT turn out that way :-/ I like rock/metal/screamo/etc. and she likes rap/hip hop. She has already had sex and i have yet to have my first kiss...It made me feel pathetic in comparison. That's what got me thinking about what kind of teenager I am.

There are those typical teens out there you give into peer pressure, drink, go to parties, and have friends everywhere...Then there are those teens who are loners or who hate the world. There are your nerd and geeks, the slut-bags/man-whores, the jocks, and the overly dramatic teens. Where do I fit in? I have yet to experience what being a real teenager is. I have yet to go to a real party or even have a real boyfriend. What kind of life do I lead? I stay after school until 6:00 every day to do Latin homework so I won't be lonely at home. I go to bed at 9:30 every night like I am eight years old! Every day I go to school, come home, and sleep. On the weekends I usually do absolutely nothing of interest. I have no siblings that live with me so theres no one to "hang out" with...How does this effect me? This people, is what happens to me when I am left by myself for long periods of time. I get all depressed when I think about my life. This conversation I was having with myself kept going on.

A few weeks ago I told my best friend,whom i call Roll Dog (no questions lol), that I liked this boy. Now before this, I would tease her incessantly and relentlessly about "liking" him. See the thing is, I had no clue that she really liked him. I thought I was just making a joke. Well anyway, when I told her this she was irate. She told me I stabbed her in the back and phrases that showed i really hurt her. We got past that incident, though.

Well the boy found out that i liked him and now my life is the epitome of the word AWKWARD. So getting on with the story, yesterday he told one of my good friends that Roll Dog and I are "ruining" his life. What the FUCK?!?!?!? This son-of-a-BITCH should be fucking happy that not one, but TWO FUCKING FEMALES are taking an interest in him. How fucking stuck up can you be that you would just say something like that? YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT GREAT, YOU EGOTISTICAL SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!! I SWEAR TO GOD, IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE!! That pissed me off soooo much! I don't even understand why he said it but i know that i do NOT like him anymore...fuck that....Then this bastard got me thinking about something else as well.

Am I that repulsive, that no boy finds me attractive? Like really? Someone needs to tell me because every time i like a dude, it NEVER NEVER EVER works out! I didn't realize i was so repulsive that it would kill someone to actually take an interest in me... If I died, how would people remember me? As the ugly girl who no one liked because she was creepy/crazy. Every time I like a person, i always end up burning bridges...I wish I could be completely honest with someone but i have yet to find a person i can trust enough not to lie. I feel like sobbing because my own mother cant even take an interest in my life. No one wants to listen, all they do is talk, talk, talk. Ask me how my fucking day was for once! I hate when people only take an interest in you when something is wrong and it shows. Thank you all for caring because it means so much to me *sarcasm*...

I think this is enough to get me through the night peacefully...To those who cared enough to read all of this, thank you!

One last thing before I make peace with my conscience, FUCK YOU, JAMES!