And To Think...

As i reread that blog I feel not one ounce better than before. If anything I feel like breaking down because everything is a mess. The only thing keeping me from not breaking down is remembering that its just high school! Its no big deal. I know what I must do. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut and tune out the world until I can come up with the answers i need. BTW totally random but Alice in Wonderland was EPIC. Mind. Blown.

The Kid Was Alright But It Went To His/(Her) Head

It's nice to think that someone might be reading this. Its also nice to think that if they were-- that if you are reading this, you've realized I've been slacking. Well, for those (if there are any) who read my crazy, vague and psychotic blog entries, I am sorry. Which brings me to my point of the week. I have standardized testing this week and that is the very least of my concerns. No, my concern of the week is: trust. I don't quite know how, but I've managed to find someone else to not be able to trust. We'd become really cool friends but now I've concluded that they can't be trusted. This friend was the same one who like the boy I AM NO LONGER IN LIKE WITH...I think.

See, it all started Monday morning of last week. I had just come back to school after having a horrible fever for a week. When I came back to school I noticed that school just wasn't the same. Its like people didn't really notice I was missing, yet i have (well now its HAD) perfect attendance. Anyway , it was uncomfortable because i had missed so much. Well apparently on Tuesday my friend had made a deal with another person I "hang with". The deal was she (the untrustable friend) would take until Thursday to decide whether or not she still liked the boy we just both happened to be...interested in? Well I didn't find out about this deal until Thursday after school, from a totally different friend! Am i blowing this out of proportion? Probably. I was hurt that i was the last one to know when it involved me more than anyone knew.

Let me explain. This boy (if you haven't read the previous post) had stated that i had successfully ruined his life. I did not feel I had accomplished such a thing. I had to make good on his words; I had a reputation to uphold for being the weird, creepy,animal chick who is somewhat bitter and anti-social. I decided to make it my mission for this boy to realize what me ruining his life really meant. Or so I thought. My plan was to hit him where it would hurt the most. I wanted to dig down deep and torture him. It was simple: get him to like me and crush his feelings. Now i know what this feels like (don't ask) so I know how it hurts. Now my predicament is this: the friend is the epitome of innocence and goody-two-shoe-ness. She wouldn't understand what doing this would mean to me. So, because of the lack of communication on both ends, I was "flirting" with him and now she thinks I like him. And if i explain all of this to her she won't understand and she won't believe me. And then I don't know why im REALLY doing all of this. Maybe I still like him? Maybe I want to like him but I know I can't because that's not what friends do. So somehow Ive come to the present with this ridiculous notion that I'm crushing him because I like him but I'm not allowed to and if i tell my friend I'm really giving into some forbidden power i shouldn't possess and I just realized im insane. My head is filled with all of these questions that I dont know how to answer yet im the only one who can answer them. Im so confused as always and I dont know what I want. All I know is its not easy being mean. *EXHALE* Im done... for now haha.

Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

Eeek!! I haven't sat down to do this in forever...Well I guess I'll get straight to the "good stuff"... Today I went to go see an old friend i hadn't seen in about 3 years....It was awkward because we had both changed so much! She was the "popular kid" at her high school, and i was kinda let down by that. I know it may seem strange but I thought that maybe we would still have stuff in common... It did NOT turn out that way :-/ I like rock/metal/screamo/etc. and she likes rap/hip hop. She has already had sex and i have yet to have my first kiss...It made me feel pathetic in comparison. That's what got me thinking about what kind of teenager I am.

There are those typical teens out there you give into peer pressure, drink, go to parties, and have friends everywhere...Then there are those teens who are loners or who hate the world. There are your nerd and geeks, the slut-bags/man-whores, the jocks, and the overly dramatic teens. Where do I fit in? I have yet to experience what being a real teenager is. I have yet to go to a real party or even have a real boyfriend. What kind of life do I lead? I stay after school until 6:00 every day to do Latin homework so I won't be lonely at home. I go to bed at 9:30 every night like I am eight years old! Every day I go to school, come home, and sleep. On the weekends I usually do absolutely nothing of interest. I have no siblings that live with me so theres no one to "hang out" with...How does this effect me? This people, is what happens to me when I am left by myself for long periods of time. I get all depressed when I think about my life. This conversation I was having with myself kept going on.

A few weeks ago I told my best friend,whom i call Roll Dog (no questions lol), that I liked this boy. Now before this, I would tease her incessantly and relentlessly about "liking" him. See the thing is, I had no clue that she really liked him. I thought I was just making a joke. Well anyway, when I told her this she was irate. She told me I stabbed her in the back and phrases that showed i really hurt her. We got past that incident, though.

Well the boy found out that i liked him and now my life is the epitome of the word AWKWARD. So getting on with the story, yesterday he told one of my good friends that Roll Dog and I are "ruining" his life. What the FUCK?!?!?!? This son-of-a-BITCH should be fucking happy that not one, but TWO FUCKING FEMALES are taking an interest in him. How fucking stuck up can you be that you would just say something like that? YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT GREAT, YOU EGOTISTICAL SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!! I SWEAR TO GOD, IN THE HEAVENS ABOVE!! That pissed me off soooo much! I don't even understand why he said it but i know that i do NOT like him anymore...fuck that....Then this bastard got me thinking about something else as well.

Am I that repulsive, that no boy finds me attractive? Like really? Someone needs to tell me because every time i like a dude, it NEVER NEVER EVER works out! I didn't realize i was so repulsive that it would kill someone to actually take an interest in me... If I died, how would people remember me? As the ugly girl who no one liked because she was creepy/crazy. Every time I like a person, i always end up burning bridges...I wish I could be completely honest with someone but i have yet to find a person i can trust enough not to lie. I feel like sobbing because my own mother cant even take an interest in my life. No one wants to listen, all they do is talk, talk, talk. Ask me how my fucking day was for once! I hate when people only take an interest in you when something is wrong and it shows. Thank you all for caring because it means so much to me *sarcasm*...

I think this is enough to get me through the night peacefully...To those who cared enough to read all of this, thank you!

One last thing before I make peace with my conscience, FUCK YOU, JAMES!

Im tired of being nice to people...its tiring me out...no more feeling guilty

I feel like my life is a great big lie... has someone told you they loved you but you didnt know if they meant it? Like it was impossible for them to love you?